2013 Summer solstice

Summer solstice – the longest daylight hours Full moon – the brightest in the sky for the entire year.
So much light piercing the darkness. Then why, does light elude me?
In my dreams, I walk, dance and run. Friends enjoying long sunlit days and bright moonlit skies surround me. Light bursts from inside me. My dreams, however, occur when I am wide-awake. Not really dreams just a continual reminder of what living was like for me.
I suppose I could as people say, “move on.”
I understand how listening to my diatribe can be, “getting old.”
15 years and counting since I could not stand or take a step by myself.
Untold numbers of years since basic activities of daily living are not within my reach.
Wish I could explain why acceptance eludes me. But I can’t.
There’re many things I have yet to do. Yet it becomes agonizing when my hands and legs do not work to accomplish them.
My mind and heart scream “YES”. And with almost Donkey like stubbornness, my body says “NO”.
The disease that stormed into my life blocks electrical impulses from the brain to the rest of my body. Extremes of temperature scatter the electricity to a greater extent. Too sunny, my body becomes a noodle. Too cold, I’m unbendable Iron rod.
So I sit in my Thermo regulated bubble. Continually balancing the pros and cons of breaking through the bubble. Continually wanting people to break through and reach me, yet never at a cost of taking all the light from the outdoors away from them. Please do not get me wrong I am not that unselfish and I am not a martyr.
I am simply a dreamer with my eyes wide open.
So on this summer solstice, on the eve of the fullest brightest moon in 2013, I will watch the world revolve and instead of bemoaning and becoming self absorbed, I will simply smile and find gratitude for the times my dreams were my reality.
And a little later, I will Break through the bubble to experience the last light of the longest day and the earliest light of the brightest night with people I love..

Reflections

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